I'm scared. The first girl I have been interested in since
my breakup with my ex-fiancé, and I am scared that I like her too much, that I
don’t know anything about her, that she will decide upon meeting me that I am
not worthy of her time… and I am scared of her not finding me worthy, because I
don’t find myself worthy. I don’t feel like I have been put through enough hell
to be deserving of someone like her… someone who actually cares. I’m scared
that she might be playing me, because she just got out of an engagement
herself. I’m scared that her ex might come back and say that he abandoned the
army and that he wants her back, and that she will go with him. I’m scared that
I will waste (potentially) years of my life loving someone who is not truly
mine. I’m scared that I have an ill fate and that if I waste too much time that
the one person I’m MEANT to love will move on and I will never find her.
I’m scared of my future. Will I find Her? Will I have the
will power and the good fortune to actually graduate from college and get a
degree? If so, will I even get a job that I like using my degree? I know what I
want for my life but so much of it is out of my hands, and out of my control.
I want to be fit, but in my own head, the hours, upon days,
upon weeks, months and possibly years of working out and eating “right” is not
even remotely worth the trade off just looking or feeling better. Because my
lazy lifestyle makes me happy, but so would a good look, however, one requires
constant work to keep.
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